Silence. Stillness. To give her soul a chance to attend its own affairs at its own level.
Toni Cade Bambara, the Salt Eaters
April sat me down. Looked me in the eye and asked me who I was. What do I believe? Am I willing to receive? Or was I made only to give? Questions, with nuanced answers that created more questions. About my past, my present, and, of course, my future. And on the last day, entering into May, I’m ready to be still.
Both in a sit down somewhere and intentionally quiet my mind and in a be still and know I am God way. It’s interesting because my relationship with movement is intricate, and in every way, I believed it was pivotal to success in life.
Everything takes time. Bees have to move very fast to stay still.
David Foster Wallace
I don’t know this man, but this quote was a moment in facing myself. Facing how busy B had become, mentally, physically, emotionally, forget time for spiritually. I wanted everything now. I was impatient with myself, my dreams, my goals, my love, my people, my God. It looked worse than a chicken with its head cut off, running around. It looked like a woman with her heart cut out, urgently doing everything but putting it back in. Imagine.
Why was I running from my heart? Why was I refusing to honor its pain? Why couldn’t I give myself permission to feel? It’s because I couldn’t be still. I couldn’t stop moving long enough to listen/hear. My mind was on go even when my body was at rest. My emotions were spiraling, so everything else was certainly up in the air. It took me until the last day of the month to really understand that the chaos would continue as long as I didn’t sit still.
Surrender is not about giving up, even though it feels similar to defeat. Surrender is not quitting and putting in no effort because it’s just too much. It’s knowing that you have no real control over the outcome except the work you put in. It’s knowing that whatever you’re thinking about can be thought about forever but will forever be a thought unless there’s action. It’s knowing that regardless of what happens, you’re always going in the right direction, and doubt only slows you down. Surrender is a sign of faith, a sign of commitment to trust and belief on self and whatever higher power you work with. It’s one clear way you can validate your worth and existence.
We are always enough. The urgency and speed is a sign that we don’t believe it. If you did, you’d trust the process, you’d play your role, you’d rest when you’re tired, life would be simple(r).
We can do this! I believe in me as much as I believe in you. It’s going to be hard, and it’s going to be different, but it’s necessary for the life we deserve. Change is constant, and we want to make sure it’s continually for the better. The best way? Surrender to joy. Surrender to faith. Surrender to self and let go of all that isn’t helping you grow. Take care of yourself, and everything else will grow.
Thank you for continuing on the journey with me. Together, we can do anything, and having you here means I’m living a dream. Every day is different, but every day is a chance to love on you. You got this. All my love family! Stay safe!
B💚❤️🖤✊🏾