Gut Check in Faith

Faith is the black person’s federal reserve system.

Hattie McDaniel

What a blessing it is to have made it through another year. 2022 was an adventure, but the biggest lesson it handed me on a platter, every single day, was that faith moves. Faith that you can’t even see and didn’t even believe you possessed. Belief is a helluva drug, and it’s so powerful that even in my lowest moment, I found myself hanging on by its thread. I write this gut check because I want to encourage us all to acknowledge just how powerful a single thread can be.

I thought it was survival.

I thought it was survival that was getting me up and getting me dressed and out the door every morning. I thought the idea that if I don’t work, I won’t eat or have a place to sleep was the driving force of my life. Not by choice but by necessity. There were times in 2022 when the floor won, when the bed won, and when instagram dominated. And then there were days when I believed. When I wanted to achieve regardless of the mixture of emotions and stories clouding my mind and draining my energy. In the moment, I didn’t recognize where the root of the belief originated and why, unlike yesterday, I was determined to make a change. But as the year ended and I was forced into reflection, I was able to sit still long enough to get clear.

As a child, I believed I could do and be anything I imagined. My faith was astronomical. I believed that as long as I believed my faith would carry me to wherever I wanted to go. This faith was generational. This faith was passed down from my community to ensure that I had some deposits that would last past childhood. Past achievements and rejections and growing up in a society that wouldn’t deposit but steal and abuse my faith. Recognizing that made me understand how we got to this point as a Black community. Our collective faith, often rooted in religion, has carried us through Hellfire and continues to light our path.

Now, I’m not religious, and losing my religion absolutely impacted my relationship with faith. My religion made me believe that there was something outside of me that was making my dreams come true. That there was someone out there who loved me more than me and wanted me to succeed so bad they literally would move Heaven and Earth for my happiness. This was helpful as a child, but as an adult, it was limiting. I had a hard time believing in myself- especially when I didn’t follow the guidelines my religion set out. I doubted my beliefs. I doubted every step I took because I was out of alignment with what I was told the holder of all the power in my life wanted. I couldn’t believe any choice I made was the right one, no matter how right I felt it was. But I kept trying, I kept moving, and I believe I owe that all to faith.

My inner child’s faith in me, her confidence and love in who she believed I would and could be, is what I believe got me to January 1, 2023. There were days when I didn’t want to live anymore. There were days when I wanted to run away from life. There were days when I wanted to literally give up all I have and all I am. And deep in the core of who I am, Baby B still believed. She still had faith and even though I put on my bug girl pants and ignored her to “succeed” she held me down and was that thread of faith that I could pull from even when I had no clue where to turn. I cried last night for not honoring her. I acknowledged that all I did was for survival, but I also acknowledged that survival is not the way to achieve my dreams with pleasure and love. Survival is a struggle and hard. Faith is rooted in love and easy because all we have to do is believe. Believe that what we want is possible. This is my only hope and resolution for 2023. To have faith. To believe. And to move like it. I hope you do the same!

Thank you for joining me on this journey for another year of dreams and possibilities. We can do anything we put our minds to, and I’m here to support you just as you support me! Stay safe and love yours. Happy New Year, family! All my love and gratitude.

B ✊🏾❤💚🖤

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