Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.
Maya Angelou
It’s that time of the year again. The time when the animals are preparing for rest and the world is slowing down. The time when we begin to recognize another year has passed and so much has happened. A time of reflection and recalibration with self. The perfect time for a gut check.
I intended these series to be moments to unpack all I had confronted over the year around the topic and attempt to harness lessons to take into the new year. This year it feels different, but I hope I can accomplish the same end goal.
I decided to start this series off with self because if I learned anything this year I learned that nothing matters more than what you think about yourself. The self you believe you are is the self you’re going to be. The self you commit to believing in is the self that’s going to win every single time. So if you don’t know yourself or at least what your idea of self is, you are probably out here free-balling life, taking it any way you can get it and rolling with the punches. I will be the first to admit that this is not it and will never be it. I hate to say it but whoever told you life is what you make it, was right.
I claimed at the onset of this year that this would be 2020-2, another pandemic year filled with mess and uncertainty- and I was right. Just like in 2020, I felt lost, confused, tired, pissed, and hopeful, all wrapped in one. It was draining and almost unfulfilling, except for those random moments I let go of control. Yes, it was me trying to control the narrative, control my feelings and my thoughts, and my actions all at one time that drove ya girl crazy for the majority of 2020-2. I wanted to force myself to be who I imagined myself to be, someone better than who I was. And instead, my gut, heart, and mind all began to treat me like I treated myself- like I was less than enough.
It took a great friend calling me out (and calling my mama 🫠) for me to realize that I was beating myself down more than anyone else. I had to sit back and stare at myself in the mirror. Push past the negative self-talk and internalized self-hate and get real. Who are you? What do you want? Why are you so tired? Are you gonna be like this forever? Is there anything that’s working? What is it you hate the most? Who are you living for? What happened to your dreams? Do you want to be free?
Whew chile, you can imagine the drama of those internal therapy sessions, but they worked. I began to peel back the layers and figure out my why’s. There were so many why’s and many of them had nothing to do with me. All my fears had nothing to do with myself; I was in more ways than one, living for the love of others and completely rejecting myself. Crazy ass hell, but as soon as I realized it, I noticed how many others were doing it too. So many people moved and spoke and wrote and laughed to make someone else feel good. So many of us have no idea what it means to do something solely to make ourselves feel good- especially outside of sex.
As the year wraps up I am committed to self. I am committed to acceptance, which may end up looking like change and growth. I am committed to distinguishing between what I think I should like and what I actually like. I am committed to honoring my wants and likes and dislikes and dreams even if it takes me to places I never imagined going. If I learned anything this 2020-2 I learned that life is mostly miserable unless you know and love yourself outside of who you are to and for others. I welcome you to release the need to please anyone but yourself and see what shifts in your understanding of what you want and need in life. Don’t go ruining a good thing or giving up on your kids, but remember- you must always put your oxygen mask on first! Love yall!
B ✊🏾❤🖤💚