Living in Real Life

But I seemed unable to do anything that pleased anyone and that included me, my own self, though at that time I did not know that myself constituted such a thing as existence

Jamaica Kincaid, See Now Then

My solid rock is the fact that life is filled with nuance and contradiction. I remember reading an article and feeling like all my questions had been answered. Who did it first? How? Why? When? Where? And I’d completely get lost in the what. Every what but “what is the right way to do,” because all my life I felt I had to do what’s right. It wasn’t until nuance and contradiction that I was able to accept that I had all my answers; I was the only one who could determine the right answers to my questions.

Before nuance and contradiction, I had spectrums. Gender, sexuality, spirituality, and intelligence – all these things existed on a spectrum and were circumstantial. I could move through these spectrums any which and way I wanted, but she always came. Mrs. Right, who I learned was controlled and not free to voice her own choices. I learned she, like most women, was being used and abused for someone else’s gain. And I realized if they could get Mrs. Right, whoever “they” are, they could absolutely get me. And here comes nuance and contradiction, the both and, better than either or because it had space.

Space is essential to growth. We cannot grow inside a box but as big as the box.

You can only define anything when it’s on its way down.

Nikki Giovanni, Black Women Writers At Work

One box I believe I was trapped in was right. We went to school to learn “right from wrong,” and then I grew up and learned most of the things I learned in school were lies or skewed to keep me in a box. In a certain role in society that limits my ability to experience joy, love, peace, and even health and well-being. I was made to believe I was one thing and had moved through my whole life as that one thing. Continously fighting myself when I wanted to step outside that box and change. Do something new, be someone different – it never felt right. Today, I believe that school should spend the first few years not on “right from wrong” but on “who am I.” I’m arriving at 29 this year and recognizing that this is the true question to answer if you want to live in real life.

We are constantly bombarded with what we should do and who we should be. Constantly told what is right and what is good and what will get you the most attention or the most money. But what if attention or money wasn’t the most important thing in life? What if there was something else you needed to survive, to make it, to achieve any goal? What if the right thing changes as you learn and grow, as you experience life? What if, from experience, you recognize that life is really a combination of infinite nuances and contradictions? What if you had to decide who you were going to be and how you wanted to live your own life? Unpopular opinion: you do! We all do!

We have to find out what is right and what is wrong for ourselves. We have to pay attention to the world around us and determine who’s making the decisions and for whom. We have to look within and determine who we want to make our decisions and if we are really prepared to make them ourselves. Analyze who we trust and why. Unpack our own behaviors and choices to determine their root and if after we’ve lived with them if we still believe they are right for us.

The only lasting truth is change.

Octavia Butler, Parable of the Sower

We are going to change, which means our choices will as well. Staying the same means you’re stuck in a box, not growing. We all have the right (Mrs. Right’s twin) to be whoever we determine feels right to our souls. We have to live with ourselves until dying day, and to not make that a miserable living, I believe we must make our own decisions and craft our own reality.

There are many things pulling us every way, but here, in the now. We often are operating from the past or fantasizing about the future. I once got lost in the why is that and realized it was because we aren’t taught how. We aren’t taught how to quiet all the outside noise and go within and commune with self. How to quiet the inside noise triggered by the outside noise and really hear our gut when it’s trying to help us decide. It takes practice and is a real skill. I wondered why someone would want us to not have that skill for a while, and when I came up with my own answer (nuance and contradiction), I realized that the best thing for me to do is to practice. Whatever I think I want to be, however I think I want to live – I must practice. This is the only way that I’ll know if it’s right for me. It is my right. My life is my responsibility. And I am honored to live it and make it real for me by creating my own reality.

Thank you so much for joining me on this journey! Together, we can do anything, and collective healing is the key. I am sending you all the gratitude for flowing through this late and poetic newsletter for March, where I was really living and experiencing all sides of life. I hope to honor myself and you all by writing my truth how I see it and how I know it. I hope it inspires some truth in you. Stay safe and remember that you are loved.

B ❤️🖤💚✊🏾

P.S. below are links to the books the quotes came from because they’ve definitely helped me along the journey back to self. Enjoy 😉

https://www.racialjusticebookshelf.com/book/parable-of-the-sower

https://www.haymarketbooks.org/books/1926-black-women-writers-at-work