If you have come here to help me, you are wasting your time. But if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together.
Lilla Watson
I read somewhere recently that there is love in grief, and it’s been replaying in my mind ever since. At first, it made sense because we believe that if you don’t grieve, you don’t care. Yet after literally thinking the words over and over for a few days I’ve come to believe that it’s deeper than that.
Science says grief has stages:
- Shock
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Testing
- Acceptance
Despite our constant debate on the definition of love, I think many of us can agree with bell hooks that it contains at least:
- Care
- Affection
- Recognition
- Respect
- Commitment
- Trust
- Open and Honest Communication
When you think about it in these pieces, it’s easier to see how our battles with grief are battles of love. We think of love and grief as separate, even though so many of us have loads of experience with both. I am beginning to believe that our disbelief in love – or in our ability to receive love – is rooted in our inability to grieve, or at least recognize grief.
How often do we lose things? Even if we aren’t madly in love with them or unhealthily attached, losing something creates a grief process. Even if it’s just an idea that’s lost, and even if it’s just 5 minutes or only 10 seconds long. It seems to me that we are constantly maneuvering through many different relationships with grief.
Love comes in because we’ve abandoned grief for illusionary strength, meaning it ain’t real. Our bodies, minds, and spirits are being weighed down by the numerous opportunities to end grief cycles that are stuck in the denial stage.
I say stuck in denial because we honestly don’t even know we are grieving. We get angry or feel depressed and move right back into that denial stage, claiming we don’t know why. The truth seems to be that we don’t want to know. We don’t want to sit and think about all we’ve lost, down to ideas for our careers, our relationships, our lives. We deny its importance and affect on our now- which is all that really matters.
Now, we must treat grief with love. We must care that we’ve lost so much, personally and vicariously, over the years. We must give grief affection, finding the beauty and the grace grief allows. We must give grief recognition, giving thanks for the awareness and acknowledgment that grief allows. We must give grief respect, knowing that we often ignore it and give it the time it needs to do what we need to truly heal, even if it comes back years later for more. This is where our commitment to grief comes in, being open to honoring at any stage whenever it is present in our now. We must trust grief when it does appear, however it appears, knowing that it knows what’s best for our healing journey on the road to find acceptance. Acceptance will be hard after years of denial, but being open and honest with ourselves and others about our experiences with grief is how that final component of love will allow us to get there.
What does this look like in practice? Chaos, I’m sure. We’ve used our illusionary strength to maintain some semblance of order. Yet in all this order, I believe we have no true peace. Our hearts, minds, and souls are heavy. We must grieve because there is so much to grieve. We must grieve because all the blocks of grief are blocking out joy. Breaking down walls ain’t easy, but time and time again, we prove it necessary.
I am committed to breaking down walls with you and for me and my community. It will take a whole lot of grief and a whole lot of love. I am grateful to have you along for the journey. Stay safe.
B ❤🖤💚✊🏾