In the end, people will judge you anyway. So don’t live your life impressing others. Live your life impressing yourself.
Eunice Camacho Infante.
Let me help those who do not get the message by being clear from the beginning: My Bonnet, My Choice. This is not an essay to convince people who do not wear their bonnets outside to do so. This is also not an article dedicated to shaming anyone who wears their bonnet outside. This is a think piece, sort of like a meeting ground for me to download all my thoughts on this topic before I lose my fucking mind. 😒
Two, well really three, things have brought me to the point where I feel it is necessary to address this here. One, the shaming that I am seeing EVERYWHERE, and I do mean EVERYWHERE, that is literally causing me anxiety! Two, the fact that this seems to be really dividing our people- I mean I was almost driven to block and unfollow some folks for how serious they were about this and I don’t even wear my bonnet to bed like I’m supposed to. Lastly, sister Monique, who has been championed as the spokesperson for this cause from what I can see and the sentiment which felt too real behind her messages.
I am taking the time out to address this because it’s a very easy way to get some very important messages across to our people and it seems like the perfect time. If you’re not new here you know this blog is about self-care and healing. Our goal is to collectively heal from the trauma of the past, present, and if nothing changes- the future so that we all can grow and prosper. We must unlearn so much from our past and present, heal to understand and relearn to elevate and thrive in this crazy, crazy world. Hence the name of the site and my IG handle. I hope this gets us a little bit closer as a community to these goals.
OK, boom! Let’s get into WHAT’S REALLY GOING ON WITH THIS WHOLE BONNET SHIT?
The first thing I’m seeing from this conversation is trauma. We have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) that goes so deep and runs through so much of our community and culture we can’t even see it. WTF am I talking about? PTSD is persistent mental and emotional stress that’s linked to an injury or severe psychological shock. Black women have been fighting for decades, if not centuries, for the right to look how they want. We have been under the control and direction of others since we stepped foot on this land against our will. With the CROWN Act still being pushed it is very clear that the outside world has always had something to say about how we present ourselves. This is why our “mothers, aunties, and grandmothers” told us to always have yourself together. The way they looked did affect the quality of life they had and could result in harm that could produce more trauma. It made sense then to protect yourself and maintain your sanity by weaponizing how you present to the public. Showing discomfort or issue with the comments of another could have cost you your life, this was true. Yet, we now live in a much more privately controlled world where, yes your job and other places may have standards, but you really don’t have to conform unless you want to. There is no physical threat to your life for not looking like you know somebody with power because being Black you’re a target regardless. We have all sorts of tools available to assist us with maintaining dignity and self-determination- and the bonnet is one, along with pepper spray, tasers, those alarm key chains, and even actually knowing self-defense and being able to use it when others get out of line. I’ll end this part by saying talk to your “mothers, aunties, and grandmothers” about these experiences. Understand their perspective and the roots of these suggestions so that you can make the most informed decision for your life.
As for me and mine, we are all about healing not shaming. This conversation is adding another level of harm to the already harmful experience of being Black in America. I truly try not to generalize because I’ve seen a variety of individuals in bonnets, but the reality is there is enough mental warfare going on between White Supremacy and the Black community that we don’t need to be shaming our own. I haven’t heard many comments about men in bonnets, but I have seen the “durag is for the house” comments. Any comment that is not “do you booboo” or something in that realm is harmful- PERIODT! I’ve seen comments like “you can’t respect yourself,” “that’s so dirty,” “I had cancer and didn’t have to wear a bonnet,” I mean I have seen it all. I think yall’s Bible says something like “he who is without sin may cast the first stone.” I point this out because so many of us really can’t have self-respect for ourselves with these comments. Self-respect is defined as pride and confidence in oneself or a feeling that one is behaving with honor and dignity. Where is the honor in shaming someone else? This hit a nerve for me with Monique because she kept saying “I’m doing this out of love.” When will we realize that with all the harm and self-hate that’s been programmed into us since day one- love is a very rare find in the Black community. Real love says I accept you as you are, not try to change you into who I think you should be. Real love says I honor you by allowing you to show up as your authentic self, whatever that looks like for you today. Monique lost mad weight, and that could have been for health reasons or mental stability, but when Ari Lennox did it people shamed her for trying to “look white” or “fit into the beauty standards.” Real love says wherever you are in life, I am going to support you through that no matter my personal life choice. We’ve taken on social media as real life and made people famous and rich off of wearing a bonnet but people who do it in real life are “ghetto?” Let’s unpack that form of self-hate.
I recently watched the Underground Railroad series on Prime Video and the last episode included a scene where they had to vote on whether the fugitive slave could stay. Spoiler, one opponent said they had been going beyond the expectations of White folks and should keep out the criminals so they won’t have any problems. The other opponent said they’d gone beyond anything he could imagine for himself and should provide that opportunity for everybody. The other Black man said no, I did so much work to get here and didn’t have to commit any crimes or get dirty at all doing it, that’s the right way. The other Black man said it’s a blessing to make it through this cruel world and not get any dirt on you just trying to survive. Lastly, the first opponent repeated that these criminals, these dirty Black folks, should not be allowed to jeopardize all that we have worked for. Their opponent said something along the lines of “we ain’t free until we all free and if they burn it down we will build it back up.” Immediately after this statement 97% of this free, self sufficient Black community was killed because the 1st opponent told a group of White men he wanted to do business with all about the power Black folks wielded and exercised in that community and how “just like them” they were. That’s right, one White man gathered all the folks he could to go and kill all those Black folks who had crawled out of slavery and made something of themselves. In their pretty dresses, before voting, business owners, with their hair all neat- still were shot down for being niggers not in their place. You cannot love Black people and not love Ghetto people. These are not even our own framings, but we take what they give us and run with it as the gospel. We must unlearn the labeling and binary that is the American way. We will never be free from self-hate and anxiety if we are constantly worrying about the White gaze. The only way you can hate yourself is by looking at yourself through someone else’s eyes. It’s projected, exactly how you feel about your people when you make these “I would never” comments. That’s personal and that’s great, but the need to prove is not for us, we know you and we know ourselves. That need is rooted in respectability which hasn’t worked since ever really.
Respectability centers around the idea that the worthiness of marginalized (in our case Black) communities should be evaluated by comparing themselves to the dominant group. If y’all want to be White just say that. If you don’t respect folks you and them deem as ghetto, and they deem you as ghetto, they won’t ever respect you. If a ghetto person can be discriminated against, abused, and left to die, then so can I- and you too. This shit has a much bigger effect than we can even imagine politically and requires us to sit back and ask ourselves what are we fighting for. Are we fighting to assimilate, conform, and eradicate Black life? Or are we fighting for all Black people to live with self-determination and dignity? Because we can tell which side you’re own by what you say and do- like wearing your bonnet whenever and wherever you want, or not. A clear example of this that we all are familiar with is the 1940s- 1960s. The Civil Rights movement used respectability politics to appeal to the White family so they could see us as humans… so they could see that we deserve to live full trauma-free lives… so they could feel empathy for us and help us fight the big bad White folks. We put on our suits and marched and were still beaten, still spit on, still dehumanized, still belittled and betrayed, and are still ’til this day asking for acceptance as we continue to see so many Black first even in the year 2021. The Civil Rights community wanted Black folks to have the right to decide how their lives would be lived, but not all Black folks. We all know that Rosa Parks was not the first to not give up her seat on the bus, right? It was Claudette Colvin, a 15-year old (even our children can’t have self-determination) nine months before Rosa Parks. It was Negro history month and she had just learned about Harriet Tubman and Sojourner Truth and other leaders in the community who stood up for dignity for all Black people. She learned about Jim Crow and how it affected folks outside of her own understanding and she protested on her own. She was jailed and even challenged the system with 3 other women in Browder v. Gale, the actual case that won the overturning of segregation on the buses in Montgomery. Why don’t we know her like we know Rosa? The NAACP said “teens were unreliable” and Rosa had “the right hair and look” or “her skin texture was the kind that people associated with the middle class.” The same NAACP that said integration instead of improvement to schools would get us the financial mobilization we need. Let’s just show the change in the middle class for Black folks since that’s what we are all going so hard for below:
These graphs show that the people who stuck together grew, and the people who allowed the dominant group to come in and divide and conquer, didn’t change much. This may seem abstract but the reality is every action we take, every move we make, every single day we are making a political statement with our body. So when you see a Black person wearing her bonnet they are screaming “Dignity and Self Determination For All” and when you see someone bashing them they are screaming “Respect Us Please We Will Concede.” It’s giving House vibes and we can all agree we need to unlearn that.
This is already so long, but I am so proud of myself for getting back in the game and speaking my truths. I had to let all this go so that I wouldn’t have to say it anymore. I felt like I was betraying my people by letting them come for each other over bonnets. I felt like I was in the middle of that fictional debate before the White people just kill us all anyway. I know you’ve heard folks saying “we will all be the same color one day anyway” referring to Steph and Ayesha tones. This erases anyone that looks like me, including my future children. The drama queen in me sees these bonnets debates as a clear go-ahead for them. “They don’t even like those Blacks so if we keep killing them with poverty, mental health issues, and propaganda we will win in no time! Even if they’re not like them if we find the similarities (ie. Drugs, mugshots, incriminating photos) they won’t care.” I dream about these things, it’s that serious. My Auntie Maya Angelou says “the truth is, no one of us is free until everybody is free,” so do you booboo and be free so we all can be free too.
All the gratitude for those who made it this far. Comment below what you think of this whole To Bonnet or Not Bonnet debate. Your continued support along this journey has kept me alive literally. I love you all to the moon and back.
B ❤🖤💚✊🏾