I want you to be proud of what we got right and to tell the truth about what we got wrong, and to learn from it.
Mary Masembuka
Isn’t it crazy how times have changed? Not only have we gotten older, but the world around us has shifted in ways those who came before us could only imagine. Many of us were taught in school that different cultures have different holidays and celebrate different things for different reasons. As adults, we are learning that the stories we were told as children might not have been complete. As I’ve learned more about the histories behind celebrations in the US, and the purpose behind many holidays in general, I’ve grown to develop a knot in my stomach and a pain in my neck and back every time the holidays come around. My mood is shifty and my energy is off, even on birthdays and engagements. This year, after surviving a pandemic and countless emotional rollercoasters, I realized why- why I no longer can fake my holiday spirit and enjoy the holiday cheer.
Empathy, often defined as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another, that’s why. As a community psychologist, I seek to understand the relationship between the individual and communities and societies. I desire deeply to understand the quality of life of the people within larger contexts. Previously, I wrote a blog about coming to terms with being empathetic, but even then I didn’t realize what it truly meant and how it would affect my day-to-day.
Empathy can be categorized as either cognitive or emotional. Emotional empathy has three elements: feeling the same emotion as another person, personal distress in response, and compassion. Cognitive empathy relates more to being able to understand how another person feels, and respond accordingly. Both of these categories of empathy limit me from enjoying most holidays, but especially Thanksgiving.
To be honest, Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. As a child, it was almost like any other weekend, except everybody stayed over Grandma’s, not just the kids. The adults cooked and drank and talked about things I didn’t yet understand. I watched movies and played with my cousins. The next day we ate more than we ever did and saw family we hadn’t seen in a while. I loved reunions and coming together and having all my favorite foods available at once. Christmas was always a hit or miss emotionally due to capitalism, but I won’t go there just yet. As a child, I understood the meaning behind the memes that justify our participation because Black folks don’t care about the meaning we care about the communion. I saw it and experienced it directly. But oh, how times have changed.
Thanksgiving was the holiday I went back home for breaks from Howard University. I worked at Whole Foods at the time, full time, and the pay was worth it then, even on my birthday. My first Thanksgiving back was my first time since my birthday/trunk party that August. I was rocking a Bantu knot out and my Great Grandmother said to me “I want my pretty baby back, we don’t have to be negros no more,” to put it nicely. I had never been so hurt nor had I ever taken the time to survey my family truths until that very day. She was our glue and our truth, and we did what she told us to without hesitation and with respect. By April of the next year I unintentionally big chopped but every Thanksgiving after, until I loc’d my hair, I straightened it, out of respect for her. I reasoned with myself that it was just a length check, but the pain always felt fresh and tender and only grew with each year.
I share this to emphasize the reality that our emotions are strong and powerful. Our feelings don’t just go away because we don’t think about them for a while. The Body Keeps the Score is a great book on how our body remembers anniversaries better than our active memory. There is no getting over it until we acknowledge it and deal with it. After all, I’ve learned about the origin of the US and the Thanksgiving holiday, my pain and empathy during Thanksgiving have only magnified and amplified.
Not only are there folks like me, who have had an experience during this holiday that has brought them shame or guilt or pain, but this holiday is literally in remembrance of a massacre. The story of Thanksgiving is one of murder, enslavement, rape, and massacre of Native people, with the first celebration being held in New England in 1637.
For Native Americans, the holiday has been claimed as the National Day of Mourning. They come together and take time to honor those who they lost and pray. They honor their histories, though many of us are only learning this year about the boarding schools that were open in our lifetimes or our parent’s lifetimes. Many of us are learning the truth of the struggles Native Americans are still fighting to save our planet to raise safe and sustainable communities. We cannot be aware of these truths and take part in these celebrations with a clean heart. We must do something different to honor ourselves and the Native Americans who lost their lives so that we may have this time of communion.
1. Tell the Truth and Shame the Devil
Clear the air! This one is the simplest and takes the least amount of work, depending on your family. We must acknowledge the monster in the room. We must acknowledge our feelings and we must acknowledge the side of the story we do not wish to tell. Why? Because the more people know, the more history molds. Once people know more about each other and understand each other better, shifts happen that create great change for all. Speak your truths and speak the truths of the holiday. If only one person hears you, you have continued the fight for truth and acknowledged the pain in the room. This applies even to birthdays and graduations. If life was hard to live but you still want to celebrate a new year, name that. If school is done but you have unrelated wants and needs, name that. As empaths, even if the party is not our own, we feel the need in the room. We feel the truth waiting to break free. We must name it, each and every time, and release it or we will fill up on other people’s pain. Each time we do, we make it possible for a happier and healthier next time for all.
2. Do Something Better
I want to credit @indigenousrising on Instagram for these amazing alternatives to celebrating Thanksgiving tips! They motivated me to be honest with myself and to do better because I knew better. They recommend 3 ways we can do something better than celebrating murder in the name of communion. First, we could simply pick a different day during the Fall Harvest. We can be grateful any day of the year and giving that’s for the land and for the food we have is possible anytime. Prices are probably better outside of Thanksgiving, cause you know, capitalism, but that’s another story. The second thing we could do instead is fast. Black families know about fasting and its significance and power. In solidarity with those who lost their lives for this holiday to exist, we could use what we already know in a new and powerful way. We can even have that big dinner we want to acknowledge the communion we have with those native to this land. Lastly, they recommended we educate and give back. Learn what land we occupy, because all of America is stolen. You can text (907) 312-5085 your city, state and they will respond with the name of the Native land for that region. Give back to them what you can- time, money, connections, uplifting, whatever you can. Each day we live on the land we are benefiting from their pain.
If it’s not exactly a holiday like today, you can still do something better. You don’t have to throw a party on a birthday or for an engagement. You can honor yourself and travel, rest, create, whatever would make you feel seen and whole in that moment. If the event is not for you, you can be honest with the person about the feelings you have. So often we can’t name our feelings and we end up in situations that only make them worse. You never know what suggesting an alternative could do for someone who is suffering in silence. Energy is loud, and as empaths, we can tell when someone’s actions and words aren’t matching their energy. Instead of taking on that energy, give it back and use it more constructively. I believe that our empathy can help mold the world into one we all can actually thrive in.
3. Damn It All To Hell
A bit much, I know, but one of my favorite solutions for sure. Too often we take on things that quite literally have nothing to do with us. Whether it’s a made-up holiday or a work event, we do all we can to satisfy the needs of others, while suffering all along. Instead, I suggest we live our lives for ourselves. Instead, I say find some grounding practices to help you release the guilt and shame that’s projected onto you for choosing not to suffer, use them, and carry on. We have enough troubles and problems in life just trying to be. Life is short and to our understanding, we only get one. Worry reduces the experience and with enough of it, can even reduce the actual time. We can do ourselves a favor and live exactly as we choose for as long and as often as we can. In the end, life is truly what we make it and our time is better spent on getting the living part right. Our friends and families will forgive us and hopefully take a cue from us and do the same. Those who don’t know us will look for and find others to support them and no longer worry about us.
We can’t change the world unless we change ourselves.
Biggie
It’s crazy how we went from Sunday dinners to only on holidays. It’s crazy how we went from it takes a village to being so individualistic. It’s crazy how some experience the effects of trauma, yet do their best to ignore the trauma of others. As an empath, we get it and understand why it’s not good to take on other people’s problems. Yet, as an empath, we know how we are all truly connected and that each and every one of us deserves our feelings to be respected. Honor yourself and the feelings of others on those tough days. Maybe then every day will be a holiday and a day to celebrate.